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Positive Thinking, Inspirational Transsexual Women

This article has been slightly condensed and edited from it's original publication form to fit this site's space and format.

Tommie Lauer's journey began in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where she was born in 1942. She was only 4 when she told her parents she was a girl. Not surprisingly, though, Lauer's parents dismissed the claim and took their son for psychological testing, thinking the boy was mentally unstable. They also strongly discouraged any further talk of their son being a girl, and Lauer learned to repress those female instincts.

Around age 12, when puberty - and testosterone - kicked in, the boy became very interested in girls, but relationships never lasted because Lauer still felt conflicted about gender. "There were times I would have these intense moments when I knew I was female," she says. "They would last for hours or even for days, and there was nothing I could do about it."

Lauer moved to High Point, North Carolina in 1966 to work for Alderman Photography Studios. She had wanted to study medicine, but poor grades - caused in part by her gender confusion, she says - steered her away from medicine and toward the field of photography.

In the meantime, Lauer found a woman and settled down, getting married in 1968. That lasted until 1982, when Lauer left for another woman, following a series of affairs, she says. Lauer has a stepson and a son from the marriage. "I felt terrible about (the affairs)," Lauer says, "and yet every time it happened, it reaffirmed to me that I was this man that I was told I was supposed to be."

In 1971, she enrolled at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and earned a four-year chemistry degree in two years, graduating magna cum laude. From there she went to the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, graduating in 1977, and then began her psychiatric residency at what is now Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center in Winston-Salem. She was chief resident in 1981, her final year.

Lauer opened a private psychiatric practice in High Point, North Carolina in 1982 and quickly became a well-known figure in the local medical community. By 1987, she had become medical director of the Smith Psychiatric Center at High Point Regional. She served six years on the board of directors of the Mental Health Association in High Point, and served as secretary (1988) and president (1990) of the High Point Medical Society.

Lauer remained with Smith Psychiatric Center at High Point Regional until 2000, returned to private practice for a year or so and then retired in November 2001. She estimates she saw about 10,000 patients during her career. She still has her license to practice and remains an active member of the North Carolina Psychiatric Association.

One reason Lauer retired was a deep sense of depression, although she says she didn't know then what was causing it. After her retirement, the depression worsened to the point of suicidal thoughts, which scared her enough to seek counseling in December 2001.

It was during the counseling sessions, with a Greensboro, North Carolina priest, that Lauer says she worked through and resolved the conflict that had been brewing inside of her for so long - the gender issue from childhood, the repression, the attempts to prove her manhood.

"At the point of resolution, that's when my gender identity blossomed, and I just woke up one day and I was a woman, and there was no question about it," she says. "I was overjoyed." Lauer describes the revelation as very freeing.

"There was some sense of going home or finding myself - whatever you want to call it - but it was a very profound event emotionally," she says. "And the sense of peace that came with it was unbelievable." Of course, that initial peace set the stage for the war that lay ahead of Lauer. Admitting to colleagues, friends and especially family would be hell. Imagine, for example, a father telling his grown son he has come to the realization that he is a woman.

Predictably, Lauer's family - son, stepson, brother, ex-wife - all took the news hard, and they didn't care for her psychobabble about how it had happened. "It's kind of like when a doctor tells a patient he has cancer," Lauer says. "The doctor can talk for 20 more minutes, but the patient won't hear one word you said after you said 'cancer,' because it's such an emotionally powerful word. "And I think 'transsexualism' or 'sex-change operation' is also such an emotionally powerful word that people can't hear anything after you say that."

Lauer's son gradually came to accept the news about his father, Lauer says, "but as the time got closer for me to transition" - the word used to describe when a person officially changes gender - "it became more difficult."

Transitioning is a deliberate, gradual process that involves far more than stocking up on panty hose, dresses, high heels and lipstick. Lauer first sought out a therapist who specializes in gender issues to help her prepare for the transition. She also found an endocrinologist, who put her on female hormones. While many transsexuals buy hormones over the Internet, Lauer says she wanted to be more careful than that.

The hormones triggered an intensely affirming emotional response that convinced Lauer she had been right all along about her true gender identity. "It was like going from a Turner colorized movie to an IMAX theater," Lauer says. "My box of eight crayons was suddenly expanded to 64. The feeling I have today is something I had not even the slightest comprehension that existed before the hormones."

The reason, she says - and researchers tend to agree - is that gender identity is controlled by the brain, and when the female hormones began to kick in, her brain responded. "In other words, this is not some pink cloud that's gonna blow away," Lauer says. "It's a definite change in my male chemistry."

Lauer officially transitioned - that is, assumed the role of a woman, including dressing as a woman - on September 8, 2003 in Ghent, Belgium. She transitioned there, at a conference of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association, because she knew she'd be surrounded by people - researchers, therapists and other transsexuals - who would accept her.

Upon returning to High Point, Lauer began going out in public as boldly as she could. She sees people's stares and hears their whispers sometimes, but she says most people don't catch on that she's a transsexual. "One thing I do is smile a lot," she says. "That raises my cheekbones, which makes my face look more feminine."

Lauer has a walk-in closet full of women's clothing - dresses, blouses, camisoles, undergarments, heels - and a bathroom drawer full of makeup supplies. She has a few wigs, but chooses not to wear them. To look even more feminine, Lauer had her Adam's apple removed, as well as her facial and body hair (she once had a beard and mustache). She had FFS (facial feminization surgery) in December, 2003.

That leaves the much whispered about sex-change operation, which Lauer initially did not plan to have.

"I figured I would just live as a female and not actually have the surgery," Lauer says. "But as I got ready to transition, I began to realize that to be comfortable meant I had to go through GRS (gender reassignment surgery) vaginoplasty."

Dr. Tommie Lauer had her G/SRS on January 16, 2004 in Trinidad, Colorado with Dr. Marci Bowers. - a highly regarded surgeon who is a transsexual herself - performing the genital surgery. Dr. Bowers has successfully performed many gender/sex reassignment surgeries.

Lauer says the cost of the surgery - $12,500 - isn't too much to pay for the inner peace it will provide. Tommie Lauer has no doubt - none whatsoever - that she is a she.

She fully believes that her brain was "cross-wired," as she likes to say, and that gender reassignment surgery will make her a whole person - and that person will be a woman.

Experts agree that transsexualism is not a mental illness, but a physiological disorder that needs to be treated. Treatment doesn't necessarily entail a sex-change operation, they say, but sometimes it does.

In light of the largely negative public perception of transsexuals, Lauer knows some of her former patients may feel betrayed and wonder about her competence as a psychiatrist. "Some of them will say, 'My God, he was crazy the whole time," Elaine Key says. "But I think Dr. Lauer was very highly regarded as a psychiatrist."

Professionals say Lauer's gender identity disorder is no reflection on her competence.

"This really has nothing to do with somebody's ability to be a psychiatrist," says Dr. Margery Sved, a Raleigh psychiatrist and spokeswoman for the North Carolina Psychiatric Association. "I've known several male-to-female transsexuals who are psychiatrists."

Lauer says she would be happy to talk to any former patients who have concerns.

In the meantime, Lauer says she already is a much kinder, gentler person since she began taking hormones, and friends confirm this. She has a deep sense of compassion for other people and says her goal in life now is simply to help others.

(Left to right - Tommie Lauer, Sabrina Marcus Taraboletti, Jamie Koufman, AnneMarie Dickey,

and Audrey Ihrig perform a piece specifically written for transgender women during

She says she's a spiritual person who prays to God every morning. She volunteers at Higher Ground - a day center in Greensboro, North Carolina for people infected with HIV - and at an addiction treatment center and a prison. She'd like to see a gender center open in the Triad (Greensboro, Winston-Salem, High Point) area of North Carolina, to help people with gender identity disorders.

Lauer hopes people will respond to her as Key did - with understanding and compassion.

"I was shocked, of course, but when it was explained to me, I tried to see it in that light," Key says. "I think it's sad somebody has had to live that many years as somebody they're not, and if this is going to make (Lauer) happy, then I'm thrilled to death it's happening."

She knows also that family members who have not accepted her new identity may never do so. She regrets the wedge that her transsexualism has driven between her and those family members - the result of which may be that she never sees her two grandsons again - but she won't apologize for doing what she believes she has to do to become a whole person.

"Some people think you can control everything - that you can just hide reality and it'll go away," Lauer says. "Well, I think for any transsexual, reality is just what it is, and it ain't going away.

"I would never wish this on anyone. Don't get me wrong: The result of me finding myself is that I've experienced joy and happiness beyond anything I ever conceptualized, but I still would never wish this on anyone. I think it would be better to grow up without gender identity problems and just be happy, but unfortunately, that's not the way it is. I am who I am, and my goal is to be happy and to help other people deal with the issue."

Part of Dr. Tommie Lauer's life philosophy is, Peace, Serenity, and Gratitude are the solution for problems which have no solution and will heal all wounds...these are the result of graciously receiving our abundance and then giving it away. Thank You so much for generously volunteering by "sharing your caring" on this positive thinking website. - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

My legal name is "TG Spirit." I chose this because of my dedication to the many areas of activism which I try to do in the TG community. This will be my third update for Karen’s site and things just keep on getting better in better in my world!

I have had the privilege to work with many of the younger Transgender people from all over the world, even taking a ‘Youth Suicide Prevention’ course. I began what was one of the first Alcoholics Anonymous groups that was geared towards the TG community.

A few of the other recent changes to my work is the taking over of the T.I.P. (Transgender in Prisons) program, which is in it’s eighth year. I am proud to publish the journal which goes out four times a year to over 500 Transgender persons who are in prison.

While attending the 2007 Southern Comfort Convention in Atlanta, Georgia I was asked to join Ethan St. Pierre to co host the ‘Trans FM’ radio show which is broadcast live to 22 countries! Wow, how wonderful to be able to help the community in such a large format.

A year ago I rejoined the gicofcolo.org and have recently been elected the vice president of that group and also to it's board of directors. Along with this I am also able to ‘Chair’ the Tuesday night meetings there which is the ‘Transition’ night for them.

The ‘gicofcolo’ is the oldest support group of it’s kind in the United States and I was also lucky enough to be a part of it when it was first incorporated in 1978. We also put on the Colorado Gold Rush which is held yearly in Denver, Colorado.

My involvement with the community began some 30 years ago. I can remember exchanging hand written letters with Virginia Prince when I was about 15 years old and attending my first ‘TG’ event in the late 1960’s. The very first organization I joined was one out of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at a young age.

I am into my twelve year with my ‘Help Room’ on AOL trying to monitor some of the new chat rooms that pop up trying to protect the younger Transgender persons from the ‘predators’ which seem to swarm these chat rooms. This seems to be a growing trend as the internet expands.

Chris, my S.M.S.O. (soul mate significant other) and I have been together for 13 years. I am truly one of the lucky ones as she even went to Bangkok Thailand with me when I had my SRS in 1999 with Dr. Preecha. We continue loving and respecting each another. She is such a big part of my life. We live in the mountains in Colorado with out two dogs and a cat.

Chris is employed as a massage therapist and teaches Tai Chi, Reflexology, Raindrop therapy. She is also a certified Reiki Master. She was able to also become certified in Thai Massage when we were in Thailand.

We met at Mile High Church of Religious Science in Lakewood, Colorado almost 15 years ago where we were both taking classes which the church offered. We both took over five years of these classes. They have helped me to help others in the community. How very blessed we both are!

I began my work with young people as far back as in the 1960’s as a camp counselor with the camp being mainly for aspiring competition tennis players where I was able to travel and play all over the New England states.

Having suffered an on the job injury in 1986 which left me disabled with chronic pain syndrome, I was able to turn a negative into a positive which enables me to be able to give back to the community, which I love so much.

Please feel free to send me an Email at any time as I do read and answer them all. Please remember...you are not alone.

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TG Spirit & Donna Rose

TG Spirit & Donna Rose at 2007 Southern Comfort Convention in Atlanta, Georgia.

TG Spirit & Jennifer Boylan

TG Spirit & Jennifer Boylan at 2007 Southern Comfort Convention in Atlanta, Georgia.

Tommie Lauer, M.D. & TG Spirit

in Colorado (November, 2007).

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by TG Spirit

Although addiction is not unique to the TG/TS community I suspect there are more than likely a higher number per capita as so many use it as a way to cope or to hide the pain of being 'different'

What I hope to accomplish here is to offer myself as an example and to maybe offer a path of help which has been available since 1935 when Bill W. co-founded the first Alcoholics Anonymous group in Akron, Ohio. Fondly referred to as 'AA' although those who do seek help through this or other programs including in house treatment centers have a low rate of Sobriety survival.

I have had the pleasure of chatting with hundreds of Transgender people over many years and one of the most common things I will hear is that AA does not address their personal needs. Of course anyone who has been in the program knows that this is just another excuse that is used and that they are just not ready.

Anyone who is seriously contemplating getting sober has to do whatever is necessary to do so. AA or any other program you try to use will only work if you are doing so for yourself and no-one else. Not you’re mother, father, wife, husband or children. This is a selfish program and must be done for you.

Walking into an AA meeting can be a frightening step to some and I always try to remind people that everyone in there has had to have a first time and likely gone through the same emotions and doubts. If you have done this that congratulations as this is a huge step!

One of the strongest recommendations that I could make is to get yourself a sponsor, one who has a few years of the kind of sobriety that you may like to have yourself someday. Remember, the same person who may be loud and controlling at the meetings is usually the same loud person you never liked at a bar.

1.) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

5.) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

8.) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure

10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we

understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message

Many people who have obtained a little sobriety may not have ‘good’ sobriety. What I mean here is to look at them, talk with them. Are they happy? When choosing a sponsor it is always recommended that you find one of same gender as if you are using their resources and personal experiences as a way to help yourself then this is always more comfortable for the both of you.

Many sponsors will be strict with you as they each have their own way of trying to help you. As an example I have the ones who ask me attend 30 meetings in 30 days to begin with and to call or see me on a daily basics. If one were to have a 'slip' I will not judge and will continue to support them for up to 3 times then will ask them to find another person as a mentor as being a sponsor does take a lot of time and can be very stressful.

I will never, ever talk with anyone when they are drinking or drugging as that is just a waste of my time and theirs. But everyone has their own way and these are just some examples of mine.

One of the goals of why I am writing this is to try to get the word out that just as you are not alone in being born a TG or TS or for that matter anything in between that there is help out there and it can work if you really, really want it. Anyone who has stuck with this for any amount of time has heard most of the excuses that so many seem to use as for why it doesn’t work for them.

You will hear a lot of one liner advice like 'Take It Easy' or 'One Day At A Time.' If these drive you crazy at first you are not alone as they did me also. I was in the program for over eight years before I obtained my first year of sobriety and that was over 14 years ago now.

All I can promise you is that with anything else in life that you will get out of it whatever you are willing to put into it. This is not an easy path but there are many who have stuck with it, gotten through it, and are better human beings for doing so.

If anyone who reads this would like help in finding a meeting in their area or even having an on-line group I would be more than happy to try to help if there is enough interest. Please feel free to write me if you would be interested.

When you are ready for this new beginning all you will need to do is to change everything in your life to enable it to work, more on this later just some food for thought. ~ TG Spirit (Colorado)

"TG Spirit" a most loving, giving, sharing, accepting, compassionate soul. Through her generous, selfless volunteering efforts, "Teeg," is a active, affirmative force for human evolution and positive change on our planet. - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

Born in Mexico City, Greene arrived in Dallas in 1974 at the age of 17. In 1995, Greene underwent Gender Reassignment Surgery and began a new life with a new name, Monica. For more than 22 years, she’s lorded over some acclaimed eateries in Big D’s (Monica’s Aca Y Alla, Ciudad D.F., 8.0, Baby Routh and Pegaso). Monica is a business woman with a diverse background. Her dedication, positive attitude and work ethic are reflected in her deep involvement in every aspect of her Dallas, Texas community.

As a boy, Ms. Greene says she had to deal in silence with an unsettling reality: being a girl trapped in a boy's body. Many nights, she tried on dresses behind locked doors. "I struggled all my life with my identity. This is not a sexual thing. This is not a fetish. Imagine walking around wearing a mask for 18 years," she says, referring to how old she was when she learned there were other people who felt they were a different gender. "It was a struggle, especially because where I come from, I never even heard the word. I came to hear the word - transsexual - when I came to the U.S." At 17, on a whim, she drove with two friends, headed to Indiana, with the intention of winning the heart of a Mexican girl who lived there.

Ms. Greene says she has always been attracted to women - never men. The road trip was cut short at the border because her two friends didn't have proper visas. Ms. Greene arrived in Dallas shortly after midnight on January 5, 1974. She vowed to stay the least amount of time possible. "I said, 'There are no mountains here, I can't stay in this city,'" she recalls. "But life has turns you don't necessarily see ahead." She stayed. Her father wanted Ms. Greene to enroll in business school. She was put off by the idea. He gave her an ultimatum: Go to college or support yourself. Ms. Greene opted for the latter. "It gave me freedom," she says. "In retrospect, I guess it opened the door, unknowingly, made me feel that eventually I could be myself." She found work as a busboy.

Initially, Ms. Greene was blatantly ignorant of the ins and outs of a restaurant. Once, she brought cream for coffee to a customer who had ordered sour cream. On another occasion, when a diner ordered A-1 sauce for his steak, she ran to the kitchen and demanded, "I need some 81 sauce!" But she worked her way up, first as a server and later as a manager at some of the hottest restaurants in town. She also married twice. Ms. Greene had two children with her first wife, who was 16 when they wed. The couple divorced seven years later, and Ms. Greene retained custody of the kids, now 26 and 27. Two years into her second marriage, Ms. Greene opened Eduardo's Aca y Alla in February 1992.

The following year, her father died in Mexico. His death marked a turning point for her. That summer, she shared her secret with her children and her wife. "I was struggling," she recalls. "Their reaction was what anybody's reaction would be after someone tells you something as surprising and challenging as that. They had a lot of courage." On March 4, 1994, Ms. Greene announced to her staff that Eduardo's Aca y Alla would undergo a name change. With little fanfare, she showed up wearing a black plaid miniskirt, high heels and a white jacket. "There were a lot of questions. A lot of fear," she recalls.

"Emotionally, when you set yourself to go through a transition like this, you're prepared to lose everything. You become fearless." Her family was concerned but supportive, Ms. Greene says. But it was nonetheless a lonely road. People who want to have sex change operations are commonly encouraged to assume their intended gender for a year before undergoing surgery. Ms. Greene left her wife in charge of the restaurant and moved in with an accountant who was undergoing the same operation.

Ms. Greene's roommate underwent surgery first. Two days after what had seemed to be a successful procedure, she developed a blood clot in a lung and died. Albeit devastated, Ms. Greene was no less determined to undergo what she refers to as a "reincarnation in the same lifetime." With a passport that bore her new name, on May 7, 1995, Ms. Greene boarded a plane to Brussels, Belgium, where she underwent the surgery. Onboard, she wrote a poem that is now painted on a wall in her office. "The moon leading the way, a beacon to my destiny. Eminently pure snow white tundra below, soft as feathered pillows, silent witness to a silver bird, hovering inside hundreds of souls, some male, some female, one both."

Gender realignment surgery is among the most painful operations. "You don't think about the pain," she says. "At that point, physical pain was not important." She returned. "Many people that go through gender reassignment choose to go away somewhere to reinvent themselves," says her friend Ms. Sanders. "But not Monica. Monica stayed." And her evolution is by no means over, Ms. Greene says.

On May 7th 2005, she ran to succeed council member John Loza, who was barred by term limits from running again. Although a political rookie, Ms. Greene's bid for office is already resonating in high places. "Monica is bright, she is gutsy and she is independent," offered Dallas Mayor Laura Miller. "All very important traits in City Hall that few politicians possess." After all, Ms. Greene says, few people have worn as many hats in a lifetime. She's a staple of the city's hospitality industry. She is familiar with the plight of immigrants. And she appeals to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered voters. "I have become part of the fiber of this community," she says.

In the May 7th, 2005 Dallas, Texas City Council Election (District 2), Monica Barros-Greene came in second place with approximately 40 percent of the vote, behind Pauline Medrano, who pulled approximately 45 percent. The close contest resulted in a mandatory June 4th, 2005 Dallas District 2 runoff election, in which teacher Pauline Medrano beat restaurateur Monica Barros-Greene, by 61 percent to 39 percent of the vote.

A question many have asked is: Why did Greene begin hyphenating her name once she decided to run for council? "I didn't get married, by the way," she says. Greene explains it's customary in her native Mexico City to incorporate your mother's maiden name into your full name.

Monica Greene has received the Dallas Leadership Award and is now a world-renown chef and member of the prestigious Les Dames D’ Escoffier, an international culinary organization. She has nearly 30 years experience in the restaurant business since her arrival in Dallas from Mexico in 1974. Since 1992, Monica has achieved success as the owner and President of Monica’s Aca y Alla and Ciudad D.F., two of the finest restaurants in Dallas, serving Mexican cuisine. She has held positions as Executive General Manager of the 8.0 Restaurant and Bar in Dallas and Houston and Manager of the award-winning Baby Routh Restaurant. Monica also served as wine consultant to Julius Schepps Co., where she designed wine lists and directed wine tastings and seminars.

Monica has displayed her talents in the “Rising Star Chef Competition”, Farmers Market, the State Fair of Texas and on local and national television stations, including The Food Network. Monica participated as one of six high profile Chefs in D Magazine’s 2003 “Chef’s Cruise” and earned recognition as “BEST RESTAURANTEUR” by 150 of her peers (Dallas restaurant owners and chefs) in the both 2002 and 2004. Monica serves as judge for the annual Dallas Morning News National Wine Competition each year and she also has served as judge for the Official Lone Star State Wine Competition.

Gastronomically at my restaurant ACA Y ALLA, I have simply set out to make a contemporary and appealing Mexican food menu. A vision half-a-world apart from Tex-Mex. "Our dishes are exotic, but uncomplicated. I am passionate about what I am attempting to achieve with my menu. I am appreciative of trends relating to health-consciousness and general ingredient quality and freshness. I am adventurous about creativity. I am lucky to say that people in Dallas have found our style to their liking in both the scene and the cuisine at Monica's ACA Y ALLA." A new style of cooking is sweeping throughout Mexico. Chefs are creating lighter, healthier versions of traditional Mexican and Native (regional) cookery with the emphasis on fun and fresh ingredients, sometimes "borrowing" ingredients from other cultures.

Monica Greene is a tenacious, gutsy, independent, pathfinding woman who's successfully worn many personal and professional hats. Through her focused self-determination and positive beliefs, she's overcome many overwhelming obstacles and is a affirmative role-model for the 21st century. I'm filled with gratitude to be sharing her motivational story on this website. Monica Greene has confidently actualized her "reincarnation in the same lifetime." - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

It's inevitable that the Transsexual must face the overpowering anxiety building from within — the consistent, unabated demand to change over to the opposite sex.

Sometimes it's not possible to understand complex emotions that are central to one's being. Because of this, and because of the fear of the stigma of rejection by others, the Transsexual often makes every effort not to disclose these difficult feelings. Many of us internalize feelings about our Gender Identity, not disclosing these personal issues to anyone within or close to the family nucleus. When family members or friends learn about one's decision to change sex, often it is quite an astonishing revelation, because one may not have exhibited behavior patterns thought to be appropriate to the opposite sex.

The dream of Transsexualism can be realized. It's a long, difficult and lonely road to fulfillment, but the achievement of peace of mind and happiness make the journey most worthwhile. The most important thing for the Transsexual to remember is that he or she is not alone (there are tens of thousands in this country alone). The Transsexual should reach out and receive friendship and support from others.

The diagnosis and medical treatment of the Transsexual, along with the social adaptation, should be planned out and taken step by step. The entire process of changeover may cost $20,000 — a formidable challenge — and I have known some to have spent in excess of $50,000. However, if one has a liberal group health insurance policy (particularly effective with a supportive employer), out-of-pocket expenses may be less than $10,000.

Transsexualism deals with the issue of gender identity that is in opposition to one's sexual anatomy — independent of one's sexual desires. Historically, it has been documented in cultures dating back to early civilizations.

The Transvestite has a passion for the clothing and accessories of the opposite sex that is a gratification unto itself, to be played with until the physical and emotional urgency and the resultant pleasures have been realized. The transvestite might fantasize similarly to a Transsexual while "dressed up," but in reality the Transvestite is secure in his or her gender and sex. There isn't a desire to alter physical characteristics or otherwise fully adapt to the lifestyle of the opposite sex.

Transsexualism can be traced back to the earliest recollections of childhood. Though normal in anatomy (it is rare that a Transsexual is born with characteristics of both sexes), the child feels different from other children. It may be (as in my case) with an ambivalence about being a Boy or a Girl. Or, as with other cases, there is a strong feeling early in life that he or she was born into the wrong body. This imbalance predates puberty, and some scientists have even traced it back to the early stages of fetal development. The manifestation of sexual desires does not occur at this early stage of a child's development, so the term Transsexualism should not be associated with one's sexual attraction to a male or a female…

The medical procedures of a change in sex may take several years, so the process may be thought of as a metamorphosis.

Sarah Shaker currently resides in Northern California. She appears in the presentation "The Blank Point," a film about transsexualism from the Beijing-San Francisco Film Group. Sarah was one of the 3(three) original founding members of the CrossPort Support Group in Cincinnati, Ohio when that TS/CD group was first formed on June 5th, 1985. She was also an active participant and accepted gender candidate at Stanford's Pioneering Gender Dysphoria Program in Palo Alto, California during the 1980's. Over the last three decades, Sarah Shaker has freely assisted and voluntarily helped many transsexual women throughout the Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana and Northern California areas of the United States. One of the hundreds of souls she's educated, enlightened, lovingly shared and profoundly touched is the author of this website. - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

My journey started in 1985 as a hapless, miserable drug addict of a guy. After a false start, I blossomed over the next fourteen years to become a successful, confident, happy and grateful woman. My challenges included ostracism by my family and friends, ridicule and discrimination, Drug Addiction and Prostitution. Whew! Thankfully, that's all in the past.

After Fifteen years as a corporate Software Engineer and Freelance Journalist, I am finally transitioning into a full time Author and Screenwriter. I am currently marketing my recently completed Autobiography and two Screenplays. As soon as I close a deal with a publisher, the majority of the autobiographical literary content will be pulled from my Website.

I have spoken on numerous panels for both professional and student audiences. I was invited on more than a few talk shows, everything from nationally syndicated television to local radio to public access cable. I have participated in organized, peaceful protest, marches and other events. I also worked on political bodies and for transgender-friendly politicians. Finally, I have always considered the rock band I cofounded to be an exercise in transsexual visibility as well as a musical endeavor. In 2001, I received an Award as MTF (male-to-female) of the Year for my work in my Band (Glamazon), and I accepted it for all of my efforts of behalf of our community.

Christine Beatty is an intelligent, attractive, personable, dedicated, courageously "out and proud" transsexual activist. She has volunteered to have her website link and story listed here as part of her personal and spiritual approach to educate, enlighten, and empower people. Christine has my support, encouragement, respect and admiration! - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

August 11th, 2006 - Houston, Texas USA

Mrs. Pepper Sue Tharp-Tamai passed into forever

on Friday night, July 28th, 2006 in Houston, Texas.

Her body was cremated. She was 69 years old.

I am providing "my Story" to others that it may benefit from knowing what I have experienced, learned and discovered.

My entire life, like most of us, has been one of ongoing and continuing transition. Birth till the present, mine has had many extra path ways. That being the many issues of GID(Gender Identity Disorder), and being a transsexual woman.

My post-operative female life began June 5th, 2004. Getting there took up the bulk of my current lifetime. I am 68 years old as I write this for Karen Serenity's Positive Thinking TS Women website.

In my lifetime I have survived several potentially life ending events. Once I was told I had lung cancer or may never live past January 2000. I was told not to become a post-operative female for my general health is not good, having COPD(Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). I have had two strokes, heart attack, a car wreck, and through it all, always moved positively forward. I then traveled alone to Bangkok, Thailand to have my S/GRS(Sexual/Gender Reassignment Surgery).

Like many of "us," I spent many years attempting to live as I was told I had to. As male as possible. I had many macho jobs and activities. My father was a doctor, who always pushed me and nearly made me be male. As all children, I wanted to please my parents, especially my father, who became aware when I was around 14 years old, I was beginning to show a small amount of breast development. After that, my father had me take a male Hormones.

I took a summer job as a deck hand on a tow boat on America's inland waterways along the Mississippi River and inter coastal waters. I worked after school and nights as underground construction worker digging a tunnel and as a welder. I worked in a muffler shop, went to a trade school to become a car mechanic and machinist. I built and drove drag racing cars. I even learned what to wear to drag. I became a licensed professional mechanical engineer.

I married and fathered a daughter. I taught my self the tenor sax and did gigs in many bars. I began to drink far too much and had many times in jail. In November, 1961 I was out in my car dressed as a girl and stopped by the police who took me to jail as there was a law against being in public dressed as the "wrong gender." I was made to change in a large room with many noisy, unsympathetic cops watching me. Nothing will ever equal the total humiliation of that moment.

When I was released to get home, I had to explain to an angry wife where I was all night and why the story was on the front page of our local newspaper. More adventures of drinking and a really pissed-off wife and bar room scenes followed. 7 years later, we finally divorced.

I did enjoy making my music and performing Live. Jazz was my favorite style of music. A pregnant wife and a decent job stopped the music. My arrest record followed me for years and I lost many jobs. In regards to my "needs," I didn't fully understand them at the time. If I wasn't doing it, I was there watching it happen.

The police charged me for giving a "false name identity," for I didn't have the proper documentation for the "name" I was using at that time. My given middle name is Pepper and it's on all my documents. Thus I had a safe name that fit me that I actually liked. I had it made officially legal on December 23rd, 2002.

I had met my second wife while making my music. I would leave home for weeks to live with her and eventually we married.

Looking back on it all, I married her to get out of jail. We had a big drunken weekend and I ended up wrecking my car. She was told by others to leave me and get a common law divorce. We had talked of getting married and had a lawyer come to the jail and tell me she would get me out if we married. My second wife was supportive of my cross dressing for many years.

Slowly she lost her mind along with her patience, and I had to go live on my own until she died on June 18, 2003, after 36 years of being Married. By then I had been living full-time several years and had nearly died 3 to 4 times from pneumonia, a major car Wreck, 2 strokes, hernia surgery, neck artery surgery, 2 heart catherizations, and 4 cosmetic revisions.

I finally met the man who would turn out to be my future husband, 6 months before my second wife died. He generously helped me take care of my deceased second wife's funeral arrangements.

But, wait there is more! Going to Mexico City for my facial surgery, I quit breathing because I had pneumonia and didn't know that it was, when they thought I had lung cancer. Thank God, the X-ray "nodules" were only nipple shadows. That was on November 27th, 1998.

All through 1999 and early 2000 I had struggled with pneumonia. Then on my way home from a hospital stay a young girl using a cell phone ran a red light and I was back on the life support machine and given a tracheostomy. I had been intubated 10 times by then and my voice was ruined big time. I was in speech therapy for many months. I had that trachea tube in my neck for two years. It was finally removed when I had my second cosmetic surgery on February 5th, 2002.

As you've read here, I've experienced many set backs, problems, pain, uncertainties and incredible difficulties, yet I always moved forward and eventually traveled alone to Bangkok, Thailand for my S/GRS(Sexual/Gender Reassignment Surgery) to achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a more physically complete Female.

Pepper Sue Tharp-Tamai and her husband Jyoji with many close friends on their wedding day, October 24th, 2003.

As some of you may be aware, I was legally married on October 24th, 2003 to a nice, accepting, understanding man and have weathered the learning needed to be a good wife and to save my marriage from ending, either by my own misadventure or that of my spouse. Good communication at one time in our marriage was lacking.

I personally feel several things are important; respect, attention, affection, appreciation and foremost, to be forgiving are critical to keeping a marriage healthy, loving and prosperous. My husband Jyoji, traveled to work in Mosul, Iraq on October 16th, 2004. At the time it appeared that he may have been involved with another. My husband had felt I didn't care for him like I once had.

Since then, we have turned our relationship around since he left for for employment in Iraq, by keeping in touch with me nearly everyday by telephone, instant messaging and Email. I needed to remain his wife, and also realized my important part in our marriage. I've discovered that I really needed him in my life.

Mrs. Pepper Sue Tharp-Tamai was a stylish, venturesome, sharing, intelligent, refreshingly free-spirited woman. Transitioning late in life with poor health, she successfully overcame many substantial difficulties, unexpected obstacles and hidden life hurdles. It's my sincere hope that Pepper Sue's moving motivational life story of aspiration, incredible challenge and inner personal discovery continues positively inspiring and motivating. - Mrs. KAREN SERENITY

Instead of trying to explain myself directly at first, like most do, the words of others only enlighten the way through darkness and despair leading to a very happy and fulfilling life that I currently have. Only in the end will I actually tell my story through my eyes, the way that I have seen and experienced hatred, loneliness, then a breaking free from negative thoughts to what and who I am today. To be proud of being just me.

(My Friend)

Trista asked me to write an excerpt for this bio, placing myself in her shoes. Yet, to be honest, I don’t know where to begin. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live in a body that I felt had betrayed me. I can’t imagine what it would be like as a child to know, as soon as I was cognizant, that for some mystical reason my body just didn’t quite feel like I thought it should. I can’t imagine what it would be like be trapped by my youth, too young to have to faculties to express my bodily discontent. I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake every morning inside a body that I had hoped was just a fragment left over from a bad dream, only to realize that my worst nightmare actually lived and thrived in daylight.

Ultimately, I can’t ever fully know what it feels like to be Trista. I can’t ever fully know the depths of her pain and sadness or the fullness of her struggle. I can, however, tell you what I do know. She arrived in my life somewhat unexpectedly. She blew in the door, with the fresh autumn breeze and landed just as softly as the leaves that caressed the side walk out side my house. Now here she is, lying next to me as I write this, breathing softly as she sleeps. She is a gift I didn’t realize how much I wanted until I had it.

I reach out and brush her hair form her face, gently, so I don’t wake her and I realize my own sadness. A cold hard truth settles into the night, into my bones, diminishing the glow from this laptop. When some people encounter Trista, and other women like her, their ignorant soaked minds register the word FREAK. Yet, when I look at her, the word freak does not, cannot exist in any language that could be used to describe her. Although I have known Trista only a short time, as I watch her move through this world with beauty and grace, she has already proven herself to be sensitive, intelligent, fierce, passionate and brave.

Sometimes, when contemplating the meaning of bravery, common images get tossed around in a clichéd lackadaisical manner. Yet what does it mean to be truly brave? Trista is brave. She faces this world with a smile knowing full well that hatred and danger could come from anywhere at anytime. She preservers, striving to encourage and educate others while still contemplating her own existence and self image. She continually endeavors to reinvent herself anew, ever trying to improve on what I already see as perfection.

In knowing her I face a new awareness of my own. Living in a world that I already viewed as tainted before I ever met her, I find myself wanting to wrap her in a bubble of protection. I wish to shield her from any further pain or sadness beyond what she has already endured. Even though I know this would be an impossible task, because sometimes life just hurts, I still wish she could live a life free from hatred and danger. She, however, thrives in spite of, pushes forth in the face of and has blossomed into a woman I am so blessed and proud to know.

(My Friend)

Through many struggles and aspirations hardships past life has been a whirlwind. Shades of light and dark not known by many and understood by few. With the dark in years gone by in my life, comes pain and sadness, eventually a longing for something more. To hear everything you feel and everything you think is wrong and abnormal. Yet when all is said and done, I have no sadness for I have realized truly what is right and what is normal. I held true to my heart and your heart is what is “right” and “normal“. The concepts of not only “right”, but “normal” are what is included which is what you are and feeling in life and true to your heart.

We hear people talk of all the hardship and pain with the tolls of life. Yes, I have had my life the same as anyone else that lives and breathes, we all have trouble’s. I, like most, have tried my share of ways to make pain and sorrows vanish with comments such as “Hey! Try this” or “Wow! Drink that“. So, the truth in life is that “normal” is to do everything you have in life which may be good or bad as long as you are doing it for you . You couldn’t be more like me, nor any less like me, and you could always be a friend. So, hold your ground and live life as it flows by. I am only twenty-six years old, and I have many years left to live and learn, I will be right and I will be wrong, but I will end my life happy.

So now you may think wow that sounds just like me I’ve been there to or wow that’s just like my friend. Now find yourself as a Trans Gender…..”Read it again.”

What you just you read was written by Dave, trying to put himself in my own thoughts and feelings, now I will start talking to you about what I have seen you go through.

(My Mother)

My daughter is a wonderful and intelligent human being and is who she always has been since birth. Can I put myself into her shoes and say unequivocally that I understand what she went through , is going through or will go through? Our journey has at times been on the same road and other times the roads have run parallel. Understanding can’t come though until the emotion runs its course. When strong emotion is in the forefront, the ears don’t listen , the mind shorts out and only the mouth works. My daughter tried to tell me on many occasions that she was gay. I knew in my mind and heart that this was not true. My mind was also filled with 60 years of such things as : against the Bible and it was all free choice. In my tirades, I used such words and phrases as : faggot, queer, freak and of course the old standby…pervert. I would pray to God to rid her of her demons. One night I realized that I was her worst demon. From this point on, understanding became more important than the name calling. Questions had to be answered and they had to be answered ….by her…not by anyone else. The first question was: Is this Free Will? Answer: No! My answer was: Prove it to me! Have your Hormone, Chromosome, Estrogen and Testosterone levels checked. She did and proved to me she was right. Of course, the next stage was guilt. Did I do something to cause this to happen. If it wasn’t my fault, who’s fault was it. Was it God? Everyone needs to place blame somewhere for that which doesn’t meet our expectations or if we have to make decisions that go against everything we are familiar with.

The truth is that not God nor anyone is to blame for anomalies that take place in the human body. Life is designed by God to be imperfect…always throwing curves at us. Thus we are constantly being forced to look within and make decisions concerning right and wrong, just and unjust and at times the right decision is the hardest one and may cause extreme anger. Human beings are a big part of life and perfection of the body, mind and spirit is impossible to achieve. Once Trista helped me to understand the above and more, I was able to look back and see all the pointers and my errors in judgment along the way. During my pregnancy, I knew my baby was a girl. For 9 months I talked to my Becky. When she was born, and the nurses said I had a Boy, I told them they had the wrong baby. Was this wishful thinking or did I somehow know the truth? Her walking home from the bus, when she was going to kindergarten, with her little head always down. Such a sad, sad picture. I thought she just didn’t like school. Kindergarten through 8th grade every teacher would call and tell me that Trista was anti-social. I disagreed with them. She was shy and had difficultly relating to other children, but, she wanted friends. At the age of 6, her aunt bought Trista some jeans. This little person was so upset and angry that she ran away as fast as her little legs would carry her. It was only 3 blocks, but, the anger carried her 3 miles away. I thought she just didn’t like the feel of new jeans. Today I realize that the reason was because they were boys jeans. When she was 11-12, we had a painting project. We were painting cats on wooden spoons. Hers was all painted in black and had the saddest expression I had ever seen. One day she told me she wanted to wear girls clothes. I talked to a priest, a psychologist, her principle and a doctor.

Every single one said the same thing: it’s a phase or she is just going thru puberty. Biggest mistake I made was in not questioning what I was told, thereby, not thinking for myself. In high school, she joined the wrestling team and the football team. Looking back, with what I know today, I realize how much she was trying to be what I wanted her to be. By the time she was 22, she had taken up with a very manipulative girl. Trista moved out and in with this girl. During the brief relationship, with the support of this girl, my daughter got into drugs, gothic style attitude/dress, alcohol and S&M. Trista also tried to commit suicide three times. She was smart enough to realize the trouble she was in. This girl took her to Shawnee Mission hospital where she was drugged for seven days and tied down. The psychiatrist prescribed medication for manic depression, schizophrenia and something else. The psychiatrist here in town took the attitude that if you feel like two people take a pill. If you are depressed and have been for years, take a pill. When Trista finally got around to informing me of what had been happening, I started thinking for myself. Just as I knew that she wasn’t gay, I also knew she wasn’t a manic depressive or anything else. I didn’t know what the truth was, but, I knew what it wasn’t.

Trista got her own apartment and started coming over every 3 months, but, she would only stay approximately 5 minutes. At first, I was angry and sat in judgment. My heart was cold with ignorance and totally lacking in compassion. One day she asked me,” Who do you love…me or your son?” My answer was, “ both ..they’re one and the same. If you have the operation, you kill my son and I have no child”. I found myself thinking about her question over the next 3 months and thinking about all the people I’d met over 60 years. What made me like or dislike them? The realization hit me hard. Liking/disliking had nothing to do with whether they were male/female. Who they were made that determination. The next time she came over she sat on my couch with tears streaming down her face and said, “ I thought the one place in the world I would feel and be safe was here at home with you.” With this visit, I began to see the pain she was in. I also realized she was crying for help so loudly that the whole world should have heard her.

I consider myself to be an intelligent human being, but, I found that I had joined the ignorant masses. How could I be both intelligent and ignorant? Like and honest politician, this was an oxymoron. I’d had also forgotten something else, “when you point a finger at someone else, there are 3 pointing back at you”. In order to help her, first I had to look within myself and find the answers to my questions. After I found my own answers, I began to center on her. There is no way to fully understand someone else’s pain because you are not in their shoes. I found myself remembering an old movie entitled “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.” It was about two friends. One man was deaf and the other was unable to speak. They were each others ears and voice. Their friendship put them in total sync with each other. When the deaf man died, the other felt totally and absolutely alone. No one around him knew of his pain, so, there was no comfort. There was no one with whom he could share his misery with. If a tree falls in the forest , does it make a sound if no one hears? The man was so filled with the agony of loneliness, loss and invisibility that his heart couldn’t take it and he died. How does someone survive this kind of deep pain ? Support from a Mother/Father, friends, belief in God. Each provides its own type of strength. What helps also is understanding people.

Trista has shown a tremendous fortitude and strength(both mentally, intellectually, spiritually ). To face a society that can only feel normal by calling others not normal (freaks) and to do it with class/style takes the kind of courage that few seem to have. If more people were willing to learn about life around us, they would realize that in the animal, reptile, insect, mollusks kingdoms there are always physical anomalies present. In the homosapiens kingdom, biological and mental anomalies happen more frequently than we care to admit. The United States has a world image of strength to protect. Perhaps this is why we are so intolerable of what is perceived, in the end, as weakness. Trista, at 26, has come a long way from the introverted, suicidal, paranoid person with the need to be punished for being different (s&m) to the self assured, hard working and lovely person she is today. All of her yesterdays made her what she is today and her todays will make her what she will be tomorrow. My daughter may not be able to give birth to a child, however, she does have the ability to give birth to new ideas and perhaps give birth to new laws that allow everyone to be treated equally inspite of minor differences like being transgender. As her mother, I am very proud to have her as my daughter and friend. The story of Trista Renee Taulu has of yet not been written, it is only just beginning. However, the ugly duckling has turned into a swan!

Through all the circumstances that my ex-friends, family and co-workers have seen, they will probably never have the chance to see the lives that I have touched even if a difference was made for only one person. To start off, like many of us neo-women, we began to notice a difference in our very fabric of life, our own gender and sexuality. This difference, for some stemmed from a birth defect during the second trimester, then for others stemming from a possible difference in their very mind. Yet for many of us, we are too scared to find out or entertain for that matter what exactly makes us. This in-turn intrigues our very mind to what exactly creates us. For me, I have chosen not to entertain what makes me, just ways in which I can make a difference in the lives of others. Going from a scared, yet slightly intrigued, young child to what I am today involves more than the breath of just one person. This is why I have chosen for others to explain what it is like to try and imagine living in my shoes, then explaining me in the very fabric of their world. For some this has proven to be a very daunting task, for others a very simplistic one. Yet for me, it is just life.

Beginning at a very early age, I always tried to imagine what it would be like to have both my mind and body match, to feel whole for just one moment. For me to not only have the mind of a young girl, but the body as well. This began to entice me to start looking inside myself for inspiration. Many ideas came very quickly, and left just as fast. These included the immature dreams and wishes of hoping to one day just awaken with the “correct” genitalia. Days came and went, so did the dreams and nightmares of never awakening again. Then one very special day began, this day would turn out to be like no other. It would not be that of a birthday, nor a holiday, just a day like any other. This is the day that I would enrich the world with my own viewpoint, with the truth and objectives of my own life. This was the day that I originally came out to my grandmother, then accidentally to my mother. My birthday was coming up shortly, with a month to go. Yet, for that moment, I never thought that I would make it to then, let alone my very bed that night.

My mothers initial reaction came to enlighten Zeus spiritually with all the fury and rage that her anger held within. Yet, for my grandmother, the reaction was not so expected. Her reaction resembled the goddess Aphrodite, with her extreme love and patience she calmed the mightiest demon. Thankfully, they were both in the same room or else all Hades would have broken loose. After a few shouting words, thoughts began to cool and anger resided. Or so I thought. At this very moment relief came for only an instant, until my mother embraced with an un-known hatred and we left immediately. Until today, she still could not exactly point out the exact instinct that enthralled her, only the thought of the unknown absolutely terrified her.

As this moment stuck in my mind for an eternity, the thoughts would come to the surface over and over again. A few years passed, until one day I was open to the world of the internet. In this world there was neither right, nor wrong. In this world I thought, I could become a queen, ever so quietly though without the demeaning attitudes from others. Upon first entering this world I realized that there were others like me, and some that were not so. Even with those that tried to feed upon my hostility I still endured to figure out what exactly these feelings were, and is it normal? What exactly is normal? After long nights of extensive research, I discovered a name, a concept that held all my thoughts. Asking myself, “Could I be like this, could I be…?”

Soon after discovering this, the internet was shut off. Now, I was all alone again in a small town plagued by hatred and people that chose not to accept differences. Now, I realized what Kansas is truly about, a fear of the unknown. This fear encouraged by the minds of people not willing to realize that others might actually be different. That others in this world might not be exactly like them. After long arguments with my mother, a dismissal from reality began to occur. This dismissal removed all insight that was previously encountered and a great blanket of depression overcame my world.

In the following years, this “blanket” would come to take its toll. First with school, then the family, to eventually enveloping all surroundings that were associated with me. This led to severe drinking and the prominent use of drugs trying to “dilute” the pain. Yet, with this use, my thoughts began to vanquish, something that I would greatly regret in the near future. Then, like a severe storm came my fifteenth birthday. This would come to be one of the first up-lifting years in my life.

After looking toward my friend, Tony, I became inspired to start my first year in Karate. Secretly trying to hide my feeling that I earlier researched, but for myself in the sense that I am a girl. For my first stance on who I was, this would not overcome me. I began to look towards female martial artists, striving for my first black belt. I thought to myself, “No matter how long it takes, I will earn this for all the women that are still repressed by hatred in this world.” For several years I practiced with all my heart and soul until eventually going to my first tournament. There I would win a medal, not only for kata, but win a trophy for sparring. As many think that sparring is only for the “guys” I will beg to differ. The only reason that I was able to do as well as I did, is because I do not stand for men to hit woman, even if their perceptions did overcome them.

This victory, however, would only live for a short time. Upon getting back home, the pressures began to escalate. My mother, not knowing exactly what was going on in my head, began pushing for me to join the military. As much I wanted to please her, there was no way that I would every be able to handle service full time. Luckily though since I still had a few months until my seventeenth birthday, I still had time to ration out which branch I would actually sign for. I knew that I would have to sign somewhere, but exactly which branch would be deserving for a new girl of my willingness to serve.

Many say that military life only hindered me in many ways, but I have to admit, they taught me a new way to fight for myself. Along with mustering up many new forms of courage that I could have never conceived, they taught me that some of the lows that I have previously encountered were extremely mild. One of these lows I encountered was not just during the first week of boot camp, but throughout all basic training. This low was not something that had direct physical implications, but mental trying to deal with what I knew I was, not what others perceived. Everyday as we went out for runs at 5 am, one particular place the entire company was fond of. This place had very special interests from some, sexual for others, and inspiration for me. This place would be my own touch of reality, it was the women’s dorms. This place for the men in my unit gave them instant erections, yet since there was only one woman present in the battalion, a fight would have only been lost. (I do have to admit that it was kind of fun watching them taking showers! Yet at the same time, scary because they did not understand exactly who I am. Some had an idea, for others their concept was shrouded in mystery without a wanting to accept something different in their world.)

The military became short lived, out of the six mandatory years, only four of them would be served, the other two I would be forced to take a mandatory medical leave due to complications arising from a diagnosis that later led to my mental breakdown. This term would come to mean so much for me, it’s name is Gender Identity Disorder. It may have been nice to get out, but the actual breakdown became scarier that the military ever could have possibly imagined. Since I was only in the National Guard, I went to school full-time while drilling on the weekends. Yet, when this breakdown occurred, everything was lost. Not only from my personal aspects such as friends, but schooling and my own sense of security. The day in question I will never forget, April 19th, 1999.

After the loss of many days due to unconsciousness, my psychiatrist and I chatted. I told him that I came out completely 8 months previously when breaking-up with my girlfriend telling her everything about my thoughts and aspirations on who I actually was. Surprisingly enough, she became completely accepting and allowed me to help her dressing full-time, not just part-time from previously in the relationship. Upon hearing this, my psychiatrist began to look in my files for previous notes about my condition from other doctors and realized that I should have started my transformation earlier. He told me that they had misdiagnosed my condition, and if I was still under eighteen, the state would have paid for my surgery. To my dismay, that was the time that I started dressing openly towards others, wearing make-up and what could be considered “fetish” clothes.

In the following days from there, I started to look towards everything that had occurred in my life trying to decipher everything. If I had begun my transformation when I first came out, due to the extreme hatred in my town, there is no way that I would have ever survived to the age of ten. If the military had never taught me what they did, that is fighting for what I believe in, I would have never had the courage to fight for my own life after my suicide attempts. If I had never gone through my own mental breakdown, I would never have the ability to help others before that happens to them. Lastly, If I never quit school, I would probably have killed myself with the great possibility of starting back heavily on drugs and alcohol.

After all these thoughts, the realization occurred. Everything happens for a reason, and for that reason I must strive to do everything that I can to help others. Doing everything from saying “hi” in an elevator, to developing websites promoting the study of transgender history at my hometown developing “awareness”, this is reason that I must live.

Eventually, I began to save every penny from a job that showed no remorse towards people like me. Asking myself, “Why?” I tried to be friends with every person I came across, showed extreme respect in even the most disrespectful of time, and held a positive attitude even in the darkest of times. Discovering eventually, by not thinking about my own problems constantly and helping others deal with any issue that may arise, my own issue would come to terms in their world. For example, by never disclosing my own identity and always being very diligent about asking how others are doing, the question of my own gender ceased to exist.

Eventually, after having surgical corrections, new horizons began to peak my way. After visiting one woman like me, my own hope and aspirations for something better for the group began to emerge. This group would eventually devour me, to the point of dinner conversations and idle chit-chat would always have to involve this issue. At first, the idea of helping others wa strictly for personal growth, but then a new thought began to emerge. This thought was to start creating laws and other openings in my community. Yet, to do this effectively, I must remove all personal inhibitions from the cause, and not make rash decisions.

This may have seemed hard at first, but now the only thing that I ask for is for the mind of one person to just contemplate the issue freely. Knowing if they were to do so, eventually when the time was right, change would occur, and all my work would have paid off. The actual value you may ask? A smile and thank you. For this makes my world grow and enrich to a point of no boundary. In my mind, I know that in someway I may have a few stronger abilities than another. But, my weaknesses are the same as everyone. I happened to learn a few things on my travels which just bought me time to work out all the weak links that I encounter on a daily basis from my own life.

Eventually, I began back in school. Thinking to myself, “Now, I can do it right, I must just to show that others like me are not weak.” This thinking allowed the discovery of such groups as PRIDE, Students In Free Enterprise or SIFE , Latin Club, Student Technology Subcommittee, SAGE, Kansas Unity and Pride Alliance or KUPA for short. Now, due to my abilities, in SIFE and Latin Club I am the Vice President. Since my election in these offices I have written in transgender non-discrimination clauses. In the Student Technology Subcommittee, where I have just been elected head chair, the process is in the way for reforming the constitution. Also, I now teach an outside class in transgender/queer history.

This class is beginning to build steam now allowing me to take my own course, HI472, for credit on campus during the spring semester of 2005. As of yet, this class is only temporary, but if I am able to muster enough students to acquire the interest, it will continue to remain a valid class. Hopefully I will be able to receive my Ph.D. in this arena of history. That may take a little combined coercion not from those directly involved with school, but from those outside demanding a profession of this nature. I believe though in my life-time this will happen, if not for me directly, it will be for a person better suited of this role.

Without a little bit of inspiration to just live just one more day stemming from my parents, friends and family. Without the discrimination that I have encountered during my history these changes for transgender students would have never taken place. They may seem small in comparison, but for transgender rights, they are a step in the right direction for an eventual reform for the laws in the State of Kansas educational system. These

Now, reaching this level of inspiration I am driven to strive to for even more. Fighting for the rights of myself and those like me is the greatest high that I have ever received. This high shall only get greater. Now, I am able to be proud of who I am, and what I have done for others. The good times and the bad times, all times are required for some greater cause. For this cause you may never know directly what you must be willing to sacrifice. These sacrifices force everyone to give up something. The amount itself varies for every individual, and no amount is too small. I will always hold dear all those that give everything including their life for what they believe in. For these am eternally grateful. For them this saying should be remembered always.

I am a beautiful woman. I am a transsexual. To forget me, would be a sin against all humanity. This sin against humanity is not direct, but the sin is to forget that we are all just human. And we all should just live in peace.

The journey from male-to-female was a difficult one for Trista Renee Taulu, Emporia senior, as it is for the

other 40,000 transgendered people in the United States who have undergone sexual reassignment surgery.

Trista Taulu studies the feminine image she sees reflected in the mirror of her hotel room in Thailand, the hazel eyes and the waist-length hair. For most of her life, she felt like a woman. For three years, she’s lived as a woman, dressed as a woman, looked like a woman.

During this sleepless night four years ago, 9,000 miles from home, she still occupies the body of a man. But by the next afternoon, her penis and testicles will be gone, transformed through sexual reassignment surgery to a functional vagina.

For Taulu, 28, a KU senior from Emporia and one of the 40,000 transgendered people in the United States who have undergone sexual reassignment surgery, the journey from male to female featured difficult stops along the way: donning dresses as a boy in Gurnee, Ill.; fueling her mother’s ire by cross-dressing as a teenager in Emporia; being taunted and spit upon by high school classmates; suffering beatings in the barracks while serving the National Guard before being discharged after showing up for drill in a white dress; and at her lowest point, slashing her wrists in her apartment bathtub. Ironically, only two years after those cuts healed, she says a surgeon’s scalpel made the cuts that, for the first time, made her body match the woman inside.

Trista is a six year old in Gurnee, Ill. She’s not Trista quite yet, but rather Tom. As a little boy, she continually sneaks across the street to play with a neighbor’s little girl. The two play dress up, each of them pretending to be fashion models and beauty queens. Gazing raptly at her own reflection, Trista marvels at how beautiful she is in dresses and costume jewelry. A shout from behind startles her. She turns to see her mother standing there, apoplectic with rage.

Trista is dragged home in tears, wondering what she was doing that was so wrong.

“As I child I wanted to do two things,” Trista says. “I either wanted to build circuit boards or be a showgirl.”

Trista’s grandmother saw nothing wrong with her grandson’s interest in women’s clothing and bought a dress for not-quite Trista. This behavior drove a wedge between Trista’s mother and her grandma.

Her uncle, John Thomas, remembered her then as a shy little boy with a shock of red hair who tended to get picked on at school.

“There are times you wonder if there was ever a defining moment in childhood,” Thomas said. “But she really was just an unassuming little kid.”

“I remember I felt like I was a girl with a growth between my legs,” Trista said, “A really, really disgusting growth.”

Trista said she never experienced the stereotypical “trapped in a man’s body” feeling. Rather, she looked at her body and “just knew” something along the way had gone drastically wrong.

Trista is a junior at Emporia High School. Little has changed from her conflicts as a child. In her mother’s mind, Trista is defying traditional Christian beliefs. She’s still dressing as a woman and it’s getting harder to hide from the public. By this point, quarrels within the family occur almost daily and rumors have begun to seep into the town that there’s something wrong with “that Taulu kid.” Classmates brand her as a freak.

By the time she was 14, Trista realized her female personality was innate, beyond her control. It wasn’t just the unending desire to look that way. She felt like a girl every step of the way. She hated her penis and loathed the fact that her body resembled a young man. She regarded herself as a modern-day Quasimodo whose ugly body contradicted her inner beautiful self.

A lean teenager, Trista walked the halls of Emporia High School, as she heard the whispers behind her back.

“They picked up on something,” she said. “It would have been suicide to be an admitted transgender. I kept to myself. I didn’t tell anyone. But still, it’s a small town and people talk.”

She recalls hearing a quick snort and a sudden splash of warm spittle on the back of her neck as she passes a group of boys. She reacts by becoming a 16-year-old hermit.

Trista is no stranger to the random elbow in the hallway at school or the quick kick in the back of her legs. But things are about to get worse.

One afternoon, she stays late at school in an effort to escape from the tempest in her personal life.

As she’s walking home, three boys from school see her and block her path. One screws up his face in disgust. The other two leer at her and shove her back as she attempts to get by.

The three have Trista surrounded and she’s pinballed back and forth. A quick jab to the nose, she hears a pop and a rivulet of blood streams down her face. An arching swing from a heavy book bag connects and she can feel something rupture in her lower back.

As she lies on the ground, the three continue to kick her ribs, each shot of pain punctuated with shouts of “Faggot.”

For 30 minutes, she lies in a pool of her own blood, squinting at the sun until a friend happened by and rushed her to the emergency room. She was released from the hospital several days later. By signing the release papers “Trista,” she took her first public step toward being a woman.

That same year, she finally learns she wasn’t quite so isolated when her mother signed up for Internet service for the home computer. For the first time, she was connected to a transgendered community.

“If you’re gay, lesbian, transgender or whatever in a small town, there’s nothing,” Trista said. “But I learned I wasn’t alone. There were other people just like me.”

After graduating from high school, Trista led a nomadic life, moving around Kansas until she eventually joined the National Guard and is stationed at Fort Riley.

It’s basic training and Trista’s in close quarters with her fellow soldiers who don’t know what to make of Tom. Much like high school, it leaks out that she’s different. The assumption is that she’s gay.

One night during basic training, she said she was treated to a barrack’s “blanket party.” Her fellow soldiers surround her bunk and throw a blanket over her head. One by one, within the claustrophobic confines of the blanket, she felt soap bars wrapped in socks thud against her chest, legs and whatever she couldn’t defend. It was a scene straight out of the movie “Full Metal Jacket,” she recalled.

Four years later, she began what she called “self-detonation.” She was late for drill and showed up wearing a white dress. She was quickly ushered away from her troop and put on sick leave. Several weeks later, word came down from the top: she had been given an honorable discharge.